low

last month i thought i had reached the lowest point in my life...i thought things cldn't get worse, they just did.

On monday i am going to be fired from my first job -within a year. considering that this is all i had (though i could not hate it more), and the importance in terms of career, things have officially bottomed out for me. This is the lowest point in my life.

Strangely I dont feel guilty. Jus sad. And this has added to my depression. This weekend has been so long. I so want to just die. Just that committing suicide is so hard, specially in s'pore where money cant buy you everything.

I am going to be sick.

taking stock...

Exactly one year ago I started this blog. I had no dreams of being a regular bloger, but I had hoped to write once in a while to inventory my state at different points of time - you know , would be cool to look back at teh different people I was at different points of time. No, didnt do that either. Actually I pretty much did nothing in what I though would be apivotal year in my life. I

• didnt get a girlfriend
• didnt get any learning from my job
• didnt find a new job either
• didnt make great friends

what i did do was

• made some money doing nothing
• got a new hobby
• visited some new places, tried some new things
• met some interesting people

a wierd year, looking back could have done so much better. And as always the only regrets I have are bout things I didnt do, words I didnt say...

Anyhows heres to a new year, lets see what 2007 brings. And a solemn resolve to blog more often.

its been so loooooooong....much water below the bridge and all...well its been a roller coaster with placements and then holidaying like there's no tmr...
but the good part is over, now comes the sad reality of having to work for the rest of my life :( bracing myself for it...

To tell or not to tell...

Over a get together a few days back a senior asked me the "why so glum tonight" question. And he hit bang onto the "girl in life" question. His funda being only 2 things cause grief to men - women or money !! So I told him my sad lil story and his advise was to tell her. Bang on. Whats the downside, he asked? What do you have to lose? Noone really remembers or cares abt the others after leaving. And what if she has even the remotest thing for you?

No ways I countered. Way to risky! classic of me - the risk averse ass#@^ that I am.

But this set me thinking...what if....

Ok, if all this is making me asound like the average 15 year old ranting - its quite uncharacteristic of me :) I mean the ranting!

Ok. I have never been in love before. And this is killing me. Why me? I mean why do I have to fall for the first time in my life madly in love with a girl who is so well settled and happy with a nice friend :( this is killing me! I swear to myself I'll avoid her, setting my eyes on her unsettles me for a long long period. Specially at this stage in my life. I dont need this. Its way to painful.

Oh the things that could have been :( damn my luck. gish what wouldnt i give just to be with her...

dorm bonding

it is ridiculous but i cant stand the peers in my dorms (strange coz i feel theseniors and juniors are jolly decent folks) - each one of them is,well, repulsive. i guess they can pretty much see my repulsuon in my eyes - they are getting sarcastic,hehe...screw tem bastards :D

Confusions

Sometimes truth shocks me. And that others can see you through shocks me even more. I mean how transparent am I? Yesteraday I went for the regular tea with the group including the lady I really like and my neighbour - who is a professor kind- also happened to be there. And while coming back he starts joking about how I should stop running behind the lady - I mean how obvious was I? Ans if he can see it (or does he really?) then I wonder who cant? thats a sick feeling :( But then there's a part of me which says I 've cared for what others think in the past and that has brought me nothing but pain - so why care about what he or others think. But you know what,I really care about what SHE thinks...and I dont want her to think bad of me :(

so the worst case scenario is,lets say, she knows I like her. What then? If she starts making excuses not to meet then I'll reciprocate the distance. If she carries on with the game,so will I. And damn the onlookers!

Things are thankfully hotting up a litle. 2 quizes tmr,3 classes, an IP submission, 2 group meetings and other readings :) back to the good ole days !